Picking Up the Peaces

For anyone who gets that reference... 100 points to you! Another disclosure Recently, I found out that my husband had lied about something only a few months ago. That's right, when he was supposed to be doing better in recovery, he was keeping this secret. Now, it wasn't about pornography or masturbation or anything of the sort, so he's still sober. This was something different. This was something that was important to me. This was something I flat out asked him if he'd done, and he'd said he had. Turns out, he never did it.  See, my husband is extremely confrontation avoidant, even the therapist says so. He avoids confrontation like the plague, if he can. In his mind, if there is confrontation or contention, then the relationship, no matter what it is, will end. This is actually funny to me because if this were true, then our relationship would have ended the day before we got married. If this were true, our marriage would have ended over and over and ove...

Does he see me? For 16 years I've been right in front of him and he hasn't even seen me.  I haven't been hiding.  I've been open to him.  I've been an open book.  Does he know me? I've shown him the funniest pages. I've shown him the ugliest pages. I've shown him the sweetest pages. I've shown him the most vulnerable pages. Does he care about me? I've cared. I've trusted.  I've loved. I've been honest.  He doesn't know me.  In spite of my being right in front of him, In spite of my being an open book,  He doesn't even know who I am. He doesn't see me. I've laughed.  I've cried. I've yelled. I've loved.  Still he hasn't seen me. All those feelings of invisibility have been confirmed.  I wasn't crazy.  I'm not crazy. I'm not too sensitive. He never saw me.  He never knew me. It's hard to believe he ever wanted to s...

It's been a long time since, but I used to have a voice. It's been silenced for so long that it's been a struggle to find it. I've been searching for it for a while now. Everyone has a voice. Sometimes, it gets buried among all the stresses and pressures of life. Sometimes, it gets taken away by those we love. Sometimes, we hide it in order to protect it or ourselves. Sadly, some people never find that voice again. Lately, I've been trying so hard to pull mine out from under the rubble of what remains of my shattered life. Among the rubble, I've found bits and pieces over the last few weeks. Some of the pieces are battered and bruised. Other pieces are ragged and thin, but I'm finding them. I'm pulling them out and mending them as best I can. Some of them are permanently damaged, but usable. Other pieces have been completely restored. Some of them are going to continue to require maintenance until they can maintain themselves. What is my voice? It...

Recently, I had a birthday. Let's face it, it sucked big time. I've had sucky birthdays before, but this one ranks right up there as the suckiest. My husband was supposed to have the day off, but, due to lack of follow through by some people (my husband being one of them), he ended up having to work. This means he hasn't had a day off this week. I had plans, things I wanted to get done that day. Events leading up to my birthday were huge disappointments and an embarrassment. That's right, my husband embarrassed me, our family, and even his business because he has always sucked at follow-through, and this was a huge thing. The night before my birthday, I just couldn't even talk to him more than I absolutely had to. He slept on the couch without me even asking him to. It's hard to focus on the progress he's made when he has neglected huge things. It's so frustrating sometimes because he asks me to remind him to do things, and then complains that I'm ...

We all have expectations. We have expectations for life, our children, our job, our family, school, the government, church, and our marriage. We have expectations for everything. Some of those expectations are unrealistic. Some of those expectations are low, and some are high. Some of the expectations are necessities. As we age and experience life some of those expectations change. I used to expect that I would be a good housekeeper, and then I had children and life happened. Now, I know that I'm not the best housekeeper, and I don't expect my house to be clean all the time. There are times when I want, or need, my house to be clean. I used to expect myself to be a good wife, and always meet my husbands needs. Well, I am a good wife, and I have always tried to meet my husband's needs. Little did I know, I could never meet his "needs" because he had unrealistic expectations of me, so his "needs" were unrealistic.This has been heartbreaking. I always e...

PIECES OF ME Somewhere along the way, some of the pieces that I lost were pieces of who I was. I used to be confident, happy, and enjoyed doing things and being active. At some point, I lost that. One of the reasons I started this blog was so that I could start writing again. I've always enjoyed writing, and am pretty good at it. I've started many stories that some people are still waiting for the ending of. I've always had a love of words, and enjoyed reading. Now, I have a hard time sitting for a lengthy period of time and reading. Instead, I watch movies, or shows, and play games. This is how I escape and avoid feeling and thinking. When I'm writing, I have to think and I have to feel. I've never been very good about writing in a journal. I've had the same journal since I was 12. I have added pages, but now I'm almost 39 and still using the same journal. Granted, I've used other journals along the way as well, but this main journal has major gaps ...

Yep, the crap hit the fan while it was on. Who would've thought that me starting my own recovery process would result in crap hitting the fan? Really, I think I just realized that I was worth something, and that the feelings that I'd experienced for all those years were real and valid. I finally realized that all the messages that I'd been getting from people around me, about how worthless and horrible I was, were completely wrong. I deserved to be treated with respect. I deserved to be treated as though I mattered. I deserved to be number one, numero uno in my husband's life. I was tired of being number five or six, or whatever I was. It was hard to tell what ranking I had in his life because I was getting mixed messages from him. He would say that I was important to him, and that I was the most important person in his life, but his actions would tell a completely different story. I've come to realize that, for years, I would make excuses in my head for his behav...