Picking Up the Peaces

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been thinking about all the buried feelings I have and trying to figure out how to dig them out. One night, I actually wrote this in my journal (I haven't been much of a journal-er): The mighty towers loom around me. The Redwood-thick walls protect me. I feel trapped. Every time I open the gate of the mighty fortress, a siege awaits me. I keep opening the gate and my wounds are multiplying. They start to heal and I open the gate again. The wounds are getting deeper. They start to heal so I open the gate again. The wounds become infected. I close the gate. I need time to recover and heal. I keep the gate closed. There's a gentle knock at the gate. I'm terrified to open it. The knock comes again. Dare I open it once again? I climb to the top of the wall and look down. It is The Physician. It is the Master Healer. It is the Savior. I know He wants to help me. I know He wants to heal

Consequences come in all shapes and sizes and from all different directions. One consequence that I'm dealing with now is from not following my "gut" over the years. I noticed that my son had ADHD-like behaviors and tendencies years ago. I always thought I should get him evaluated so he could have a diagnosis. My husband, on the other hand, seemed to be in denial. I always thought it was because my husband felt, "If my son has it, then I have it, so he can't have it." Why did I believe this? Because, over the years, I would mention a specific behavior, or self-control or focus issue that my son had, and my husband would say, "He doesn't have ADHD, I was just like that at his age," or, "He's just like other boys. I know because I had those same behaviors when I was that age." What was I supposed to conclude after years of these comments? He would also say things like, "I don't want him labeled and medicated." I trie

Consequences. This has been on my mind a lot recently. A couple of weeks ago, something happened and I realized that I was sick and tired of having to deal with the consequences of my husband's actions and inaction. By inaction, I mean things that he was supposed to do or said he was going to do, but he didn't follow through and complete them. These things have cost me a lot of time, usually wasted, and our family money. With my husband's addiction, he has faced little to no consequences for his actions. Mostly, he's gotten things like, "Read your scriptures more, say your prayers more, go to the temple more." Here's the big issue with being told this: Those are not consequences, and HE WAS ALREADY DOING THOSE THINGS!!! Yet, he couldn't seem to stop acting out. When I started setting boundaries, some things started to change. Boundaries come with consequences. He started improving in some areas. In his follow through, though, nothing changed. He wa

For anyone who gets that reference... 100 points to you! Another disclosure Recently, I found out that my husband had lied about something only a few months ago. That's right, when he was supposed to be doing better in recovery, he was keeping this secret. Now, it wasn't about pornography or masturbation or anything of the sort, so he's still sober. This was something different. This was something that was important to me. This was something I flat out asked him if he'd done, and he'd said he had. Turns out, he never did it.  See, my husband is extremely confrontation avoidant, even the therapist says so. He avoids confrontation like the plague, if he can. In his mind, if there is confrontation or contention, then the relationship, no matter what it is, will end. This is actually funny to me because if this were true, then our relationship would have ended the day before we got married. If this were true, our marriage would have ended over and over and ove

Does he see me? For 16 years I've been right in front of him and he hasn't even seen me.  I haven't been hiding.  I've been open to him.  I've been an open book.  Does he know me? I've shown him the funniest pages. I've shown him the ugliest pages. I've shown him the sweetest pages. I've shown him the most vulnerable pages. Does he care about me? I've cared. I've trusted.  I've loved. I've been honest.  He doesn't know me.  In spite of my being right in front of him, In spite of my being an open book,  He doesn't even know who I am. He doesn't see me. I've laughed.  I've cried. I've yelled. I've loved.  Still he hasn't seen me. All those feelings of invisibility have been confirmed.  I wasn't crazy.  I'm not crazy. I'm not too sensitive. He never saw me.  He never knew me. It's hard to believe he ever wanted to s

It's been a long time since, but I used to have a voice. It's been silenced for so long that it's been a struggle to find it. I've been searching for it for a while now. Everyone has a voice. Sometimes, it gets buried among all the stresses and pressures of life. Sometimes, it gets taken away by those we love. Sometimes, we hide it in order to protect it or ourselves. Sadly, some people never find that voice again. Lately, I've been trying so hard to pull mine out from under the rubble of what remains of my shattered life. Among the rubble, I've found bits and pieces over the last few weeks. Some of the pieces are battered and bruised. Other pieces are ragged and thin, but I'm finding them. I'm pulling them out and mending them as best I can. Some of them are permanently damaged, but usable. Other pieces have been completely restored. Some of them are going to continue to require maintenance until they can maintain themselves. What is my voice? It&

Recently, I had a birthday. Let's face it, it sucked big time. I've had sucky birthdays before, but this one ranks right up there as the suckiest. My husband was supposed to have the day off, but, due to lack of follow through by some people (my husband being one of them), he ended up having to work. This means he hasn't had a day off this week. I had plans, things I wanted to get done that day. Events leading up to my birthday were huge disappointments and an embarrassment. That's right, my husband embarrassed me, our family, and even his business because he has always sucked at follow-through, and this was a huge thing. The night before my birthday, I just couldn't even talk to him more than I absolutely had to. He slept on the couch without me even asking him to. It's hard to focus on the progress he's made when he has neglected huge things. It's so frustrating sometimes because he asks me to remind him to do things, and then complains that I'm