So I married a compulsive liar

For anyone who gets that reference... 100 points to you!

Another disclosure

Recently, I found out that my husband had lied about something only a few months ago. That's right, when he was supposed to be doing better in recovery, he was keeping this secret. Now, it wasn't about pornography or masturbation or anything of the sort, so he's still sober. This was something different. This was something that was important to me. This was something I flat out asked him if he'd done, and he'd said he had. Turns out, he never did it. 

See, my husband is extremely confrontation avoidant, even the therapist says so. He avoids confrontation like the plague, if he can. In his mind, if there is confrontation or contention, then the relationship, no matter what it is, will end. This is actually funny to me because if this were true, then our relationship would have ended the day before we got married. If this were true, our marriage would have ended over and over and over again. In his attempt to avoid confrontation with other people, he created it with me. I don't think he did it intentionally, but by putting others first, I was put last. I mean dead last. I wasn't even in his Top 10 of people who were important to please or keep happy.

Separation

Since this disclosure, I've been thinking very deeply about our marriage and where I wanted it to go. I've had this strong feeling that separation was looking more and more like a possibility for us. As I pondered this predicament that I've found myself in, I realized that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't continue to live in a marriage with a man whom I couldn't trust. I had trusted this man over and over and over and over again. Perhaps I trust too easily. I don't know why I still do this, because I have been burned so badly in the past by people whom I have trusted. 

I like to believe that everyone is inherently good and honest. Don't get me wrong. I'm not naive or gullible at all. I try to look at things and situations with objectivity, but when I don't have all the information or I have wrong or bad information, my judgments can be off. 

Here I've gone off on a tangent, but trust and integrity has always been a huge thing for me. I despise lies and secrecy (and, yes, there is a difference between what I'm referring to and the whole Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc. thing). When I discover that someone has lied to me, or even worse, when someone calls me a liar, it's a huge trigger. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. 

Alone in a crowd

Separation. I was seriously thinking about it. Then, last Sunday, I went to a devotional with my 12-year-old and 14-year-old where the parents were also invited. I sat down next to a couple that were sitting on a couch (it was in someone's home). They never said more than hi to me. I get that I'm fairly new in the ward, but I'm not that new and I love getting to know people. I am usually the one that makes the effort to get to know people, but this time, I just didn't have it in me. I wanted to see if I would be seen. My kids were sitting with their friends, which was not a problem at all, because I'm happy that they have friends that want them to sit with them. 

There I was. Alone. In a crowded room. I was invisible. It all hit me like a ton of bricks and the meeting had barely begun. I left. I walked past all those people and left the home. I went out to the car and just bawled. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend that my marriage was okay. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't struggling myself. I couldn't pretend that my life was fabulous. I just didn't have the energy anymore. I've been pretending for far too long and I am exhausted. 

Just a couple of weeks ago, I thought our marriage was getting better. I thought our relationship was improving. I thought my husband was doing so well in his recovery. It was like another D-day when he disclosed the lie. AND the only reason he disclosed it was because I asked for a disclosure of the lies he's told me over the years. He was NEVER going to tell me the truth. He couldn't even think about any of the other lies he's told me because that particular lie was weighing so much on his mind.

As I sat in the car, a thought came to me, "Tell him what you're thinking about." I thought this was ridiculous because I wasn't thinking super seriously about it. But there was that thought again, "Tell him," so I texted him and told him we had to talk that night. 

It was in the evening. I was in the bathroom and he came to talk to me. I wasn't entirely prepared for this because I had been thinking that we would talk later in the evening, after the kids were gone to bed. I sat there for a bit and tried to think of how to say it. Finally, I told him. I just told him that I had been THINKING about separation. I wasn't to the point where it was for sure going to happen yet, but I was thinking seriously about it.

He said he was surprised but not shocked. 

Peace

I told him that sometimes it feels like he's purposely trying to sabotage our relationship, like he's trying to get rid of me. He said sometimes he feels like just giving up on everything, including our marriage. I told him that I couldn't live with all the lies anymore. I don't want to go back to where we were before because the kids and I deserve better than that. He slept on the couch for a few days until I was ready for him to come back to our bed.

After I told him, surprisingly, I felt peace. The thought of separation still enters my mind, but it isn't weighing on me. I don't think it's something that is supposed to happen right now. I do feel like I was supposed to tell him so that he could know how painful it all is for me and how much his actions have hurt me. 

Revelation: Compulsive liar

Over the next few days, he kept to himself, barely talking to me. We still discussed the kids and basic things, but nothing too vulnerable. Then, Tuesday night, he had a revelation. He realized that he was a compulsive liar. He lied all the time. He lied because he was afraid. He was afraid of what people might think of him if he told the truth. He was afraid of what people would do if they knew the truth. He was afraid of hurting someone's feelings and causing confrontation. He was afraid of relationships ending because of the truth. I was prepared to create stronger boundaries and he created them on his own. He created them for himself and for me. He seems to have taken a hard look deep into himself and he didn't like what he was seeing. 

I believe his words, but I don't trust them. When I see results, then I can trust. When I see change, then I can trust. When I see truth, then I can trust.

Will we ever do a separation? It's not off the table, but, for now, it's just sitting there with the salt and pepper shakers.