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Change Is A Gift From God

Recently, I had the privilege of writing the program for our ward’s Relief Society Christmas Dinner and Program. Our theme was “Women who knew the Christ Child.”
The sister in charge had found a program online and acquired it. However, upon reading through it, she discovered that it wasn’t quite what she wanted and asked me to edit it. After I started reading through it, I didn’t get very far before I decided the whole thing should be rewritten.
The woman who had written the original had done a fairly decent job but it was full of grammatical errors, loaded with redundancies and, overall, it just hadn’t been written by a writer. Props to the woman, though, for the idea and attempt. I know it was a noble effort and, when she used it, I’m sure the room was filled with the Spirit. I just couldn’t bring myself to use it.
So the work began.
I started by researching.
I’d heard the stories, probably, a thousand times but since I would be speculating and making most of it up, I wanted to be …

When Judgement Tries To Ruin The Best Parts Of You

Recently, I was having a text conversation with a co-worker/friend/fellow writer. It's amazing how much clarity comes to me just by talking to someone else.

I'd asked her about a writing job she was going to be doing and she said she was going to be meeting with them that weekend. The conversation went like this:

Me: Ooh! Good luck! Are you nervous? I know I'd be terrified! (Side note: I like to use a lot of exclamation points when I'm not doing professional writing.)

Her: No, not really. Once I learn what they are looking for, I think it'll be fine.

Me: I applied for a job as an editor for an educational place last fall. They never even looked at me, I guess, but I had to get a letter of recommendation. I got one from my [college] writing instructor. I almost cried when I read it. I think I might frame it. (Really, it's extremely complimentary and I really did almost cry. I was so touched that she thought so highly of me and my work.)

I get nervous every time …

It's Okay To Not Want To Fake It Anymore

I wrote this back in March and it was just sitting in my "writing" folder on my Google Drive. I thought I had already posted it, but apparently not.

Sometimes, I get tired of "lying" about how I'm doing and sick of pretending that everything's fine. Maybe March was a rough month for me, it's been seven months, so I really can't remember. The past two years seem to be a blur with several significant events standing out within the blur. They're more like blotches.

This is what I wrote:


It’s okay to not be okay As we work through our healing, others may expect us to move faster, be happier, forgive sooner, and trust easier than we can. Healing comes at its own pace. We cannot rush the timeline. It is not someone else’s timeline. It is God’s and ours.
People will try to tell us what we “should” be grateful for. While that is not a horrible mindset, it doesn’t validate our feeling like we’ve been through a horrible experience, feeling like our lives ha…

Perfectionism

Nobody's perfect. That's what they say. I get it. I can't be perfect, but that doesn't mean I can't try. In fact, we should all be striving to become perfect, "even as our Father in Heaven is perfect."

Of course, some of us *ahem* might take this a little too far and become what one may call a "Perfectionist." I admit. In some instances, I am one of those. I am a perfectionist. Well, like I said, in some instances anyway.

I was having a conversation with my teenage son the other day. We were talking about how difficult it was for me to turn in a group project, for school, that was full of grammatical and spelling errors. I only did it because I wanted to give my group members a chance to take be accountable for their own work.

My son made the observation that I couldn't write poorly if I tried. I contemplated that for a bit and came to the conclusion that he was right. I take too much pride in the work I produce. I don't think I could pr…

Outer Strength Inner Hopelessness

So often I hear people comment about how strong I am. My own sisters have told me how they admire how I can hold it together through everything I've gone through and am going through.

Sometimes, I feel that strength. Sometimes, I can hold it together.

Then, I crumble.

Like the last cookie in the bag, I break in tiny little pieces.

I lose faith. I don't have the strength to keep going. I don't have the desire to keep going.

I want to give up.

I want to be done.

Can I just be through with this trial already?

Through the tears, I ask God why.

I ask Him how much longer I need to hang on through this.

I don't know the answer.

It rarely comes in that instant.

Sometimes, I don't think the answer comes at all.

So I get back up.

I brush myself off. I wipe away the tears and put myself back together again. I gather my courage and go on.

The most difficult part of all of it? Not knowing when the hopelessness will strike again.

How long until I lose my faith again?

I have fait…

Anger Management

Okay, I know this is an odd day for me to post, but this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks and I haven't sat down to get it out until today. Today, I am struggling to focus on getting things done that need to be done. Yesterday, I got so much accomplished. Today, not so much, so I thought I'd start with getting this out of my head.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but a bishop once said that "All wives of porn addicts have anger issues." When I first heard that, I was livid (ironic, I know), but now that I think about it, I don't think it's anger issues, as much as we legitimately have the right to be angry.

Who wouldn't be?

For me, the man I thought I married wasn't the man that I married.

The man who sat across the altar from me and made covenants with God, in front me and a whole bunch of witnesses, didn't keep those covenants. In fact, he pretty much broke every single one of them.

The man I thought loved me unconditionally, had con…

Super Mom

***CPAP MACHINE UPDATE: I got my machine on Monday. I've been trying to wear it not in bed so I can get used to it. That's one of the tips I got, "Use it while you're sitting there watching TV." Unfortunately, I don't really have time to watch TV, so I've been trying to use it for at least half an hour while I work on my school work. 
Monday night, I was having a hard time catching my breath. Tuesday night, I tried using my inhaler before I went to bed. That didn't help. 
Last night, I took two generic Benadryl. That helped me relax some. Then I listened to some sleep meditation with some music. That seemed to help even more. Sadly, I didn't get to sleep until almost 2:00 AM. 
Tonight, I'm going to try something else to help me relax and get to bed earlier. I know I just have to get used to it, so I'm going to keep trying.***
Super Mom Breaks Down I'm a few days behind on pretty much everything but early on one thing. I'm early on…