Crap hits the fan
Yep, the crap hit the fan while it was on. Who would've thought that me starting my own recovery process would result in crap hitting the fan? Really, I think I just realized that I was worth something, and that the feelings that I'd experienced for all those years were real and valid. I finally realized that all the messages that I'd been getting from people around me, about how worthless and horrible I was, were completely wrong. I deserved to be treated with respect. I deserved to be treated as though I mattered. I deserved to be number one, numero uno in my husband's life. I was tired of being number five or six, or whatever I was. It was hard to tell what ranking I had in his life because I was getting mixed messages from him. He would say that I was important to him, and that I was the most important person in his life, but his actions would tell a completely different story.
I've come to realize that, for years, I would make excuses in my head for his behavior and his choices. Things like, "Oh, he needs to be at work, so that we can have more money." "Oh, he has to work so hard in his classes just to pass." So it went, on, and on, and on, excuse after excuse after excuse. I knew there really was no excuse as to why he wasn't at that appointment where he KNEW I could possibly be getting devastating news. I knew there was really NO EXCUSE as to why he couldn't take time off of work to be with our daughter in the NICU, or take me to be with her and watch our son. I wasn't allowed to drive yet. I HAD to rely on other people to transport me five minutes away from our home. There was no excuse as to why he had to go 2 hours away to help his brother move on the day of our daughter's baptism. There was no excuse as to why he couldn't take more time off after I had a baby.
I get that we needed the money (for a few years), but he worked for his parents, and then HE was one of the bosses and on salary, so there was no reason why he couldn't stay home for that one more day after our son was born and I'd had an emergency c-section. I told him that I wasn't ready to drive and get our kids to school and still take care of the toddler and the baby. I told him that he wouldn't be back in time to help get the kids ready for the baptism. There is no excuse for not having more than one single picture of our daughter at her baptism.
There is no excuse for his behavior. There was no excuse then, and there is no excuse now.
What crap hit the fan? Well, first off, I decided that I was tired of being treated like I wasn't important, and I wasn't "good enough" for anyone to take a second thought of me. I yelled at his mother. I do feel bad about that because I was already on edge emotionally, and then she walked into being the last straw. Granted, that doesn't make her behavior okay, it just means that I actually feel bad for yelling at her because she didn't really need to be yelled at. It's been easy not talking to her because she has been gone, but now she's coming back. I know I need to write an apology to her, and I've admitted that I was wrong to so many other people, but I am finding it hard to admit to doing anything wrong TO HER. I do feel bad about it. I want to apologize, it's just hard is what it is. I only have a couple of weeks left, so I guess I'd better get it done ASAP.
Next, I yelled at his SIL (the woman married to one of his brothers). This was completely self-defense and I don't feel at all bad that I yelled at her. She wasn't listening to me. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing until I was backed into a corner. I repeatedly asked her to leave my home and she repeatedly ignored said request. She continued smiling and talking about how horrible of an example I was to "our girls" because of the clothes I wear. Now, I already had body image issues. (Who wouldn't, really?) I had gained almost 100 pounds since I'd gotten married. I had no clothes to wear and no money to buy new clothes at the time. My kids needed clothes and shoes and food, of all things. It just wasn't in the budget for me to buy a whole new wardrobe, not to mention the fact that there really aren't many clothes that look decent for someone my height and weight. She told my sister, after the fact, that she was trying to "help" me. "Help"?!? I'm sorry, but that was NOT helpful in any stretch of the imagination. And when someone is asking you to leave their house, that means they don't want your "help". I finally had to scream, "OUT!" to her, to get her to leave, even after I was standing at the door holding it up and telling her to leave because I was done asking.
The next thing that happened, I yelled at her again, and also, this time, her husband (my husband's brother). Again, she wouldn't listen. She asked if we were ever going to talk about what had happened. I told her, "Probably, but not right now." She kept pushing the issue, and I kept telling her the same thing. Then, after me saying the same thing a few times and she kept pushing, I asked her nicely to leave my house. She wouldn't, so I asked her again. She still wouldn't, so I asked her again. This time her response was, "It's not your house anyway." WOW! I was dumbfounded and finally went to find someone to get her out of my house. I immediately found HER husband and told him calmly that I'd asked her three times to leave my house and she wouldn't. She had followed me in there, so I went back home and closed the door.
A few seconds later she came back in, unannounced, under the guise of "getting her kids home" and continued to try to push me. I was done, so I started telling her to just get out. She continued and I was getting so mad and started raising my voice. Then her husband came in and they both started telling me how I needed to show them respect and not talk to them that way. She said I had treated her like a dog when I yelled OUT to her the previous time. I laughed at them saying I needed to show them more respect, and said to the BIL, "Respect?!? Why don't you ask your wife about the texts she's sent me." He said, "What text?" I said I could show him. She said that every text she'd ever sent me had been loving and sincere. I had to laugh at that too and said, "Loving and sincere?!? What was loving about the text you sent me three weeks after my baby was born?!? There was NOTHING loving about it!" She acted all innocent and dumbfounded like I didn't know what I was talking about. I tried to find out where my husband was and he, of course, was on delivery, so that wasn't any help at all. I finally got them to walk out the door and I started to close it. The BIL (who is 6'5" and big) shoved the door open while I was trying to close it and said, "Don't slam the door on my wife!" Then he proceeded to close the door.
I was shaking by this time and went into the office to try to call my husband, who, of course, didn't answer, so I called a fellow WoPA (Wives of Porn Addicts), until my husband called me back. They had immediately called my husband and, of course, said that I was out of control, or something like that. I told him exactly what had happened. He handled this incident a little bit better than he'd handled the previous ones. He told me to go stay at my sister's house that night, so I did. He went and talked to them and, of course, I got blamed for things, and the SIL said that she will sometimes mirror people's behavior. My husband finally said that we needed to move. The next day, I called and got us a realtor. I was not going to stay there anymore. I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't be around such toxic people anymore. We have since moved and I feel so much better in our new home. There is a totally different feeling.
Unfortunately, my 10 year old daughter witnessed this whole scene and has been traumatized by it. It has affected her physically, and emotionally. She lashes out in anger all the time, and she doesn't know what to do with these emotions that she's feeling. The cardiologist said that her symptoms sound like PTSD. It's not an official diagnosis, but her physical and emotional symptoms indicate it. My partially blames me for her being traumatized because I yelled. I've yelled before, so it isn't something new. I've even yelled at family members that were being stupid before, and she was never traumatized by it. I don't understand the addict brain sometimes. Their logic is so skewed and makes absolutely no sense at all.
Also, unfortunately, my husband is still worried about my relationship with his brother and the SIL. The SIL blocked me on Facebook, like completely blocked me, not unfollowed me, and then she stopped texting me about getting the kids together for a playdate. She started texting my husband and I had to point out how ridiculous that was. Their reason for not wanting to text me, they're "afraid of offending" me?!? What the crap?!? How can you offend someone by texting about getting the kids together for play dates? They also told my husband that they want to apologize and give me a chance to apologize, and that the SIL feels like she was mistreated when I yelled at her. It's all ridiculous and my husband has been buying into their reasoning and excuses. They're gaslighting him, and he doesn't even realize it. Probably because he's been trying to do that to me for years. I did fall for some of his, but I know what I know, and I remember what I remember, even if he doesn't remember it at all.
So that's the crap that hit the fan. I hope that, some day, it will be cleaned up, but right now, I'm keeping my distance from these toxic people.
I've come to realize that, for years, I would make excuses in my head for his behavior and his choices. Things like, "Oh, he needs to be at work, so that we can have more money." "Oh, he has to work so hard in his classes just to pass." So it went, on, and on, and on, excuse after excuse after excuse. I knew there really was no excuse as to why he wasn't at that appointment where he KNEW I could possibly be getting devastating news. I knew there was really NO EXCUSE as to why he couldn't take time off of work to be with our daughter in the NICU, or take me to be with her and watch our son. I wasn't allowed to drive yet. I HAD to rely on other people to transport me five minutes away from our home. There was no excuse as to why he had to go 2 hours away to help his brother move on the day of our daughter's baptism. There was no excuse as to why he couldn't take more time off after I had a baby.
I get that we needed the money (for a few years), but he worked for his parents, and then HE was one of the bosses and on salary, so there was no reason why he couldn't stay home for that one more day after our son was born and I'd had an emergency c-section. I told him that I wasn't ready to drive and get our kids to school and still take care of the toddler and the baby. I told him that he wouldn't be back in time to help get the kids ready for the baptism. There is no excuse for not having more than one single picture of our daughter at her baptism.
There is no excuse for his behavior. There was no excuse then, and there is no excuse now.
What crap hit the fan? Well, first off, I decided that I was tired of being treated like I wasn't important, and I wasn't "good enough" for anyone to take a second thought of me. I yelled at his mother. I do feel bad about that because I was already on edge emotionally, and then she walked into being the last straw. Granted, that doesn't make her behavior okay, it just means that I actually feel bad for yelling at her because she didn't really need to be yelled at. It's been easy not talking to her because she has been gone, but now she's coming back. I know I need to write an apology to her, and I've admitted that I was wrong to so many other people, but I am finding it hard to admit to doing anything wrong TO HER. I do feel bad about it. I want to apologize, it's just hard is what it is. I only have a couple of weeks left, so I guess I'd better get it done ASAP.
Next, I yelled at his SIL (the woman married to one of his brothers). This was completely self-defense and I don't feel at all bad that I yelled at her. She wasn't listening to me. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing until I was backed into a corner. I repeatedly asked her to leave my home and she repeatedly ignored said request. She continued smiling and talking about how horrible of an example I was to "our girls" because of the clothes I wear. Now, I already had body image issues. (Who wouldn't, really?) I had gained almost 100 pounds since I'd gotten married. I had no clothes to wear and no money to buy new clothes at the time. My kids needed clothes and shoes and food, of all things. It just wasn't in the budget for me to buy a whole new wardrobe, not to mention the fact that there really aren't many clothes that look decent for someone my height and weight. She told my sister, after the fact, that she was trying to "help" me. "Help"?!? I'm sorry, but that was NOT helpful in any stretch of the imagination. And when someone is asking you to leave their house, that means they don't want your "help". I finally had to scream, "OUT!" to her, to get her to leave, even after I was standing at the door holding it up and telling her to leave because I was done asking.
The next thing that happened, I yelled at her again, and also, this time, her husband (my husband's brother). Again, she wouldn't listen. She asked if we were ever going to talk about what had happened. I told her, "Probably, but not right now." She kept pushing the issue, and I kept telling her the same thing. Then, after me saying the same thing a few times and she kept pushing, I asked her nicely to leave my house. She wouldn't, so I asked her again. She still wouldn't, so I asked her again. This time her response was, "It's not your house anyway." WOW! I was dumbfounded and finally went to find someone to get her out of my house. I immediately found HER husband and told him calmly that I'd asked her three times to leave my house and she wouldn't. She had followed me in there, so I went back home and closed the door.
A few seconds later she came back in, unannounced, under the guise of "getting her kids home" and continued to try to push me. I was done, so I started telling her to just get out. She continued and I was getting so mad and started raising my voice. Then her husband came in and they both started telling me how I needed to show them respect and not talk to them that way. She said I had treated her like a dog when I yelled OUT to her the previous time. I laughed at them saying I needed to show them more respect, and said to the BIL, "Respect?!? Why don't you ask your wife about the texts she's sent me." He said, "What text?" I said I could show him. She said that every text she'd ever sent me had been loving and sincere. I had to laugh at that too and said, "Loving and sincere?!? What was loving about the text you sent me three weeks after my baby was born?!? There was NOTHING loving about it!" She acted all innocent and dumbfounded like I didn't know what I was talking about. I tried to find out where my husband was and he, of course, was on delivery, so that wasn't any help at all. I finally got them to walk out the door and I started to close it. The BIL (who is 6'5" and big) shoved the door open while I was trying to close it and said, "Don't slam the door on my wife!" Then he proceeded to close the door.
I was shaking by this time and went into the office to try to call my husband, who, of course, didn't answer, so I called a fellow WoPA (Wives of Porn Addicts), until my husband called me back. They had immediately called my husband and, of course, said that I was out of control, or something like that. I told him exactly what had happened. He handled this incident a little bit better than he'd handled the previous ones. He told me to go stay at my sister's house that night, so I did. He went and talked to them and, of course, I got blamed for things, and the SIL said that she will sometimes mirror people's behavior. My husband finally said that we needed to move. The next day, I called and got us a realtor. I was not going to stay there anymore. I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't be around such toxic people anymore. We have since moved and I feel so much better in our new home. There is a totally different feeling.
Unfortunately, my 10 year old daughter witnessed this whole scene and has been traumatized by it. It has affected her physically, and emotionally. She lashes out in anger all the time, and she doesn't know what to do with these emotions that she's feeling. The cardiologist said that her symptoms sound like PTSD. It's not an official diagnosis, but her physical and emotional symptoms indicate it. My partially blames me for her being traumatized because I yelled. I've yelled before, so it isn't something new. I've even yelled at family members that were being stupid before, and she was never traumatized by it. I don't understand the addict brain sometimes. Their logic is so skewed and makes absolutely no sense at all.
Also, unfortunately, my husband is still worried about my relationship with his brother and the SIL. The SIL blocked me on Facebook, like completely blocked me, not unfollowed me, and then she stopped texting me about getting the kids together for a playdate. She started texting my husband and I had to point out how ridiculous that was. Their reason for not wanting to text me, they're "afraid of offending" me?!? What the crap?!? How can you offend someone by texting about getting the kids together for play dates? They also told my husband that they want to apologize and give me a chance to apologize, and that the SIL feels like she was mistreated when I yelled at her. It's all ridiculous and my husband has been buying into their reasoning and excuses. They're gaslighting him, and he doesn't even realize it. Probably because he's been trying to do that to me for years. I did fall for some of his, but I know what I know, and I remember what I remember, even if he doesn't remember it at all.
So that's the crap that hit the fan. I hope that, some day, it will be cleaned up, but right now, I'm keeping my distance from these toxic people.
Comments
Post a Comment