Finding the Pieces of Me: Reality, and Letting Go
PIECES OF ME
Somewhere along the way, some of the pieces that I lost were pieces of who I was. I used to be confident, happy, and enjoyed doing things and being active. At some point, I lost that. One of the reasons I started this blog was so that I could start writing again. I've always enjoyed writing, and am pretty good at it. I've started many stories that some people are still waiting for the ending of. I've always had a love of words, and enjoyed reading. Now, I have a hard time sitting for a lengthy period of time and reading. Instead, I watch movies, or shows, and play games. This is how I escape and avoid feeling and thinking.
When I'm writing, I have to think and I have to feel. I've never been very good about writing in a journal. I've had the same journal since I was 12. I have added pages, but now I'm almost 39 and still using the same journal. Granted, I've used other journals along the way as well, but this main journal has major gaps between entries and the other journals don't have very many consistent entries either. Writing is just one part of me that I'm trying to get back.
A couple of years ago, I started a book that I was going to write about dealing with my husband's addiction. Then, when I started my own journey to recovery and healing, I deleted everything that I had written. I was so naive, and blind to so many things. I had constantly made excuses, in my mind, for my husband's behavior because he was a "good man". Don't get me wrong. In general, he is a "good man". For our relationship, he hasn't been so good.
All those years that I thought he was being a good husband, it was just out of pure selfish motives that he was doing the things that he was doing for me. If I'd had a bad day, he would "kick me out" of the house, so that I could go get some me time. I had bragged to so many of my friends, and sisters about how great a husband he was. In reality, he didn't want to deal with my emotions, and wanted to get rid of me, so that he could "cope" with his own emotions. (Coping=acting out) In making excuses for my husband, I had completely disregarded my own feelings and my self worth. This is how I slowly lost pieces of myself
REALITY
The other day, I found some books he had ordered on Amazon four years ago. They were free, so, of course, the "purchase" wouldn't have shown up in our bank accounts. I knew that he had ordered books like this, but this discovery made it real. The time that he had looked at the books (I don't know if he just looked at the pictures, or if he actually read them) was right after I'd had a baby, and right before one of our daughters was baptized.
This baptism is a huge blur to me because I was so frustrated and stressed out because he was no help to me, and actually completely disregarded my feelings and fears. His parents and brothers had told him that everything would be fine, and that they would be back in time for this baptism. I had told him I was concerned about him not getting back in time. Well, he got back "in time". He got back in just enough time to change and leave. I'd had to get all five of the kids ready by myself, including the 4 month old.
There are no family pictures from that day. His dad barely had time to take a picture of my husband and daughter right before they went into the water for her baptism. I don't remember the confirmation blessing at all. There are no pictures of myself and my daughter before or after the baptism. In fact, the previously mentioned BIL and SIL had my FIL take family pictures for them. You got that right, THERE ARE NO PICTURES OF ME WITH MY DAUGHTER OR ANY OF THE OTHER KIDS ON MY DAUGHTER'S SPECIAL DAY! My daughter even wore the same jumper that I, and my four sisters wore for our baptisms. This dress had special meaning to me, and there are no pictures with us together. This was our reality. I was constantly put by the wayside, and other people were prioritized and placed ahead of me in importance. I was constantly being put on the back burner, or completely taken off the stove.
LETTING GO
Several months ago, my therapist told me that I needed to get a "Surrender Box". A couple of weeks ago, I finally did that, but I still struggled with how to do this, and what to put in there. Last week, at support group, the principle that was discussed was letting go, and laying our burdens at the feet of the Savior. I was thinking about this a lot, and, then, last Sunday, I was set apart for a calling in church.
In the blessing for this calling, the man who was administering the blessing had to be very in tune with the Spirit. I was told that I needed to "lay my burdens at the feet of the Savior." Those exact words were spoken. There were other things said as well, but that was something I had been thinking about all week. The other night (the same day I made the aforementioned discovery), I decided that I was going to lay something at the Savior's feet. It wasn't easy. It's never easy to admit that we need help or that we can't handle something on our own.
I did it. I prayed that I would know what and how to do it. I was able to do it. I let go of one of my fears. I felt so much lighter just letting that one thing go. I faced the truth and let it go. I can't continue to hang onto things that are hurting me and keeping me from progressing. I have so many other things to let go of, but, for now, that one thing has been enough.
There are so many things in my life that I am having a hard time letting go of, but that one thing has been huge ever since we've been married. It has stopped me from being my complete self. It has stopped me from standing up for myself. It has stopped me from seeing my true worth. When a therapist, or a counselor, advise letting go of things and getting a Surrender box, give it a try. Even if it's one thing at a time. This next week, I'll try to let go of something else.
Somewhere along the way, some of the pieces that I lost were pieces of who I was. I used to be confident, happy, and enjoyed doing things and being active. At some point, I lost that. One of the reasons I started this blog was so that I could start writing again. I've always enjoyed writing, and am pretty good at it. I've started many stories that some people are still waiting for the ending of. I've always had a love of words, and enjoyed reading. Now, I have a hard time sitting for a lengthy period of time and reading. Instead, I watch movies, or shows, and play games. This is how I escape and avoid feeling and thinking.
When I'm writing, I have to think and I have to feel. I've never been very good about writing in a journal. I've had the same journal since I was 12. I have added pages, but now I'm almost 39 and still using the same journal. Granted, I've used other journals along the way as well, but this main journal has major gaps between entries and the other journals don't have very many consistent entries either. Writing is just one part of me that I'm trying to get back.
A couple of years ago, I started a book that I was going to write about dealing with my husband's addiction. Then, when I started my own journey to recovery and healing, I deleted everything that I had written. I was so naive, and blind to so many things. I had constantly made excuses, in my mind, for my husband's behavior because he was a "good man". Don't get me wrong. In general, he is a "good man". For our relationship, he hasn't been so good.
All those years that I thought he was being a good husband, it was just out of pure selfish motives that he was doing the things that he was doing for me. If I'd had a bad day, he would "kick me out" of the house, so that I could go get some me time. I had bragged to so many of my friends, and sisters about how great a husband he was. In reality, he didn't want to deal with my emotions, and wanted to get rid of me, so that he could "cope" with his own emotions. (Coping=acting out) In making excuses for my husband, I had completely disregarded my own feelings and my self worth. This is how I slowly lost pieces of myself
REALITY
The other day, I found some books he had ordered on Amazon four years ago. They were free, so, of course, the "purchase" wouldn't have shown up in our bank accounts. I knew that he had ordered books like this, but this discovery made it real. The time that he had looked at the books (I don't know if he just looked at the pictures, or if he actually read them) was right after I'd had a baby, and right before one of our daughters was baptized.
This baptism is a huge blur to me because I was so frustrated and stressed out because he was no help to me, and actually completely disregarded my feelings and fears. His parents and brothers had told him that everything would be fine, and that they would be back in time for this baptism. I had told him I was concerned about him not getting back in time. Well, he got back "in time". He got back in just enough time to change and leave. I'd had to get all five of the kids ready by myself, including the 4 month old.
There are no family pictures from that day. His dad barely had time to take a picture of my husband and daughter right before they went into the water for her baptism. I don't remember the confirmation blessing at all. There are no pictures of myself and my daughter before or after the baptism. In fact, the previously mentioned BIL and SIL had my FIL take family pictures for them. You got that right, THERE ARE NO PICTURES OF ME WITH MY DAUGHTER OR ANY OF THE OTHER KIDS ON MY DAUGHTER'S SPECIAL DAY! My daughter even wore the same jumper that I, and my four sisters wore for our baptisms. This dress had special meaning to me, and there are no pictures with us together. This was our reality. I was constantly put by the wayside, and other people were prioritized and placed ahead of me in importance. I was constantly being put on the back burner, or completely taken off the stove.
LETTING GO
Several months ago, my therapist told me that I needed to get a "Surrender Box". A couple of weeks ago, I finally did that, but I still struggled with how to do this, and what to put in there. Last week, at support group, the principle that was discussed was letting go, and laying our burdens at the feet of the Savior. I was thinking about this a lot, and, then, last Sunday, I was set apart for a calling in church.
In the blessing for this calling, the man who was administering the blessing had to be very in tune with the Spirit. I was told that I needed to "lay my burdens at the feet of the Savior." Those exact words were spoken. There were other things said as well, but that was something I had been thinking about all week. The other night (the same day I made the aforementioned discovery), I decided that I was going to lay something at the Savior's feet. It wasn't easy. It's never easy to admit that we need help or that we can't handle something on our own.
I did it. I prayed that I would know what and how to do it. I was able to do it. I let go of one of my fears. I felt so much lighter just letting that one thing go. I faced the truth and let it go. I can't continue to hang onto things that are hurting me and keeping me from progressing. I have so many other things to let go of, but, for now, that one thing has been enough.
There are so many things in my life that I am having a hard time letting go of, but that one thing has been huge ever since we've been married. It has stopped me from being my complete self. It has stopped me from standing up for myself. It has stopped me from seeing my true worth. When a therapist, or a counselor, advise letting go of things and getting a Surrender box, give it a try. Even if it's one thing at a time. This next week, I'll try to let go of something else.
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