Picking Up the Peaces

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been thinking about all the buried feelings I have and trying to figure out how to dig them out. One night, I actually wrote this in my journal (I haven't been much of a journal-er): The mighty towers loom around me. The Redwood-thick walls protect me. I feel trapped. Every time I open the gate of the mighty fortress, a siege awaits me. I keep opening the gate and my wounds are multiplying. They start to heal and I open the gate again. The wounds are getting deeper. They start to heal so I open the gate again. The wounds become infected. I close the gate. I need time to recover and heal. I keep the gate closed. There's a gentle knock at the gate. I'm terrified to open it. The knock comes again. Dare I open it once again? I climb to the top of the wall and look down. It is The Physician. It is the Master Healer. It is the Savior. I know He wants to help me. I know He wants to heal ...

Consequences come in all shapes and sizes and from all different directions. One consequence that I'm dealing with now is from not following my "gut" over the years. I noticed that my son had ADHD-like behaviors and tendencies years ago. I always thought I should get him evaluated so he could have a diagnosis. My husband, on the other hand, seemed to be in denial. I always thought it was because my husband felt, "If my son has it, then I have it, so he can't have it." Why did I believe this? Because, over the years, I would mention a specific behavior, or self-control or focus issue that my son had, and my husband would say, "He doesn't have ADHD, I was just like that at his age," or, "He's just like other boys. I know because I had those same behaviors when I was that age." What was I supposed to conclude after years of these comments? He would also say things like, "I don't want him labeled and medicated." I trie...

Consequences. This has been on my mind a lot recently. A couple of weeks ago, something happened and I realized that I was sick and tired of having to deal with the consequences of my husband's actions and inaction. By inaction, I mean things that he was supposed to do or said he was going to do, but he didn't follow through and complete them. These things have cost me a lot of time, usually wasted, and our family money. With my husband's addiction, he has faced little to no consequences for his actions. Mostly, he's gotten things like, "Read your scriptures more, say your prayers more, go to the temple more." Here's the big issue with being told this: Those are not consequences, and HE WAS ALREADY DOING THOSE THINGS!!! Yet, he couldn't seem to stop acting out. When I started setting boundaries, some things started to change. Boundaries come with consequences. He started improving in some areas. In his follow through, though, nothing changed. He wa...

Yep, the crap hit the fan while it was on. Who would've thought that me starting my own recovery process would result in crap hitting the fan? Really, I think I just realized that I was worth something, and that the feelings that I'd experienced for all those years were real and valid. I finally realized that all the messages that I'd been getting from people around me, about how worthless and horrible I was, were completely wrong. I deserved to be treated with respect. I deserved to be treated as though I mattered. I deserved to be number one, numero uno in my husband's life. I was tired of being number five or six, or whatever I was. It was hard to tell what ranking I had in his life because I was getting mixed messages from him. He would say that I was important to him, and that I was the most important person in his life, but his actions would tell a completely different story. I've come to realize that, for years, I would make excuses in my head for his behav...