Buried and trapped

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been thinking about all the buried feelings I have and trying to figure out how to dig them out. One night, I actually wrote this in my journal (I haven't been much of a journal-er):

The mighty towers loom around me.
The Redwood-thick walls protect me.
I feel trapped.

Every time I open the gate of the mighty fortress, a siege awaits me.

I keep opening the gate and my wounds are multiplying.
They start to heal and I open the gate again.

The wounds are getting deeper.
They start to heal so I open the gate again.

The wounds become infected.

I close the gate.
I need time to recover and heal.

I keep the gate closed.

There's a gentle knock at the gate.
I'm terrified to open it.

The knock comes again.
Dare I open it once again?

I climb to the top of the wall and look down.

It is The Physician.
It is the Master Healer.
It is the Savior.

I know He wants to help me.
I know He wants to heal me.

I'm terrified to open the gate again.
I'm terrified of what lies in wait.

Can I open the gate and not be wounded again?

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I know I've written about finding my voice before, but, recently, I've discovered a trigger related to this. I was at a support group meeting two weeks in a row where something was said that was super triggering. One wouldn't think it's a trigger, but, for me, it was huge. The first time, I backed down and held my tongue and left the meeting feeling off. The second time, I actually got fed up and had to leave. before I walked out, I said, "I did that for years, and it got me nowhere!" I didn't yell it, but I probably raised my voice a little louder than I should have. 

What was this trigger? It was only after I walked out that I realized it WAS a trigger. 

A new sister had asked about whether she should be talking to her husband about her experiences with her sex addict father. She was afraid of hurting his feelings or making him feel bad. Another sister, the facilitator, told her that she SHOULD be careful about what she says because she doesn't want to shame her husband. I told her that I disagreed and that we can't control what our husbands think or feel. We have zero control over that. The other sister was like, "Well, we have to be careful what we say because we don't want them to feel bad." (or something like that) This was at the first meeting, where I just kept my mouth shut after that.

The second meeting, we were talking about honesty and having open and honest communication. The same sister, the facilitator, said that we shouldn't talk about our feelings when we are on our period, because we might say something to hurt our husband's feelings. 

There it was again. We shouldn't talk because we will cause them harm. We have control over their feelings. We can control them. 

The same new sister was also there. She seemed to agree with what this other sister was saying. I told the facilitator that I had to disagree with her. We shouldn't hold back our feelings... EVER. She kept insisting that we need to be careful what we say so we don't hurt their feelings. These two sisters just kept talking about how we need to be careful not to cause our husbands shame. That was when I had enough. That was when I walked out. Okay, more like I stormed out. 

One of the missionaries came after me. She spent time listening to me and empathizing with me. She validated my point. I told her why it was such a huge trigger for me. She encouraged me to come back in and share my story and my experience. After a bit, I went back in. It was the end of the sharing portion of the meeting. I shared my story. 

I talked about how I had been silenced for so long. I talked about how I had been blamed and judged and criticized, and not just by my husband (who really never criticized me to my face). I talked about how I discovered that I did have feelings. I talked about how I had to look back in my journal to see how I had felt when I first found out. I talked about how I discovered that I have a voice. I talked about how I realized there was no way I could have caused my husband's shame. I talked about how I wasn't even in the same state as him when he started his addiction. I talked about how I had no control over my husband. I talked about how we all have a voice. I talked about how God gave us that voice and He gave it to us so that we could use it. I talked about how our husbands need to see our pain, or they will never SEE it. I talked about how God is not going to hold US accountable for our husbands choices. I talked about how WE WILL NOT be punished for their sins. (Yes, we are facing consequences of their actions, but God will not punish us for them, these are natural consequences that our husbands must also take responsibility for.)

I have a voice. You have a voice. If we don't use it, they will never see it, especially when they are finally ready to see it. 

This trigger of mine, it has a name. It's name is CODEPENDENCY. 

I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR MY HUSBAND'S CHOICES. 

I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR HIS ACTIONS. 

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS. 

I CAN SHOW HIM MY PAIN SO HE CAN SEE IT. 

I CAN SHOW HIM MY ANGER SO HE CAN SEE IT. 

I WILL NOT HIDE WHO I AM. 

I WILL NOT HIDE WHO I AM BECOMING. 

What has happened to me also has a name. It is BETRAYAL TRAUMA. 

YEP, IT'S A THING. LOOK IT UP.