Go with Your Gut!
Consequences come in all shapes and sizes and from all different directions. One consequence that I'm dealing with now is from not following my "gut" over the years. I noticed that my son had ADHD-like behaviors and tendencies years ago. I always thought I should get him evaluated so he could have a diagnosis. My husband, on the other hand, seemed to be in denial. I always thought it was because my husband felt, "If my son has it, then I have it, so he can't have it."
Why did I believe this? Because, over the years, I would mention a specific behavior, or self-control or focus issue that my son had, and my husband would say, "He doesn't have ADHD, I was just like that at his age," or, "He's just like other boys. I know because I had those same behaviors when I was that age." What was I supposed to conclude after years of these comments? He would also say things like, "I don't want him labeled and medicated." I tried to convince him that there were alternatives, but he didn't seem to believe me. With these statements, what would you believe about his reasoning?
A couple of weeks ago in counseling, this topic came up. I stated my conclusion and my husband said I was wrong. He said he never wanted our son on medication because I have a brother that is on ADHD medication and he is super skinny. I also have a nephew on ADHD medication that has struggled to gain weight. After 10 years of him telling me not to get him evaluated or diagnosed and this is what he finally says is his reason. At the moment, I was so stunned because why hadn't he said that all these years? The addict mind doesn't make a lot of sense anyway, so I suppose I shouldn't expect much logic in this.
If I'd been able to gather my thoughts, I would have mentioned the fact that BOTH of my parents were super skinny when they got married. My mom didn't gain much weight (other than pregnancies) until after we got into a car accident that shattered her foot. My dad continued to be super skinny (I remember him being skinny) until a few years after his thyroid had been removed. Neither of them had ever been on ADHD medication, so my little brother being super skinny may have been affected by the medication, but he also had parents who had been skinny. Also, I was pretty slender until I started getting pregnant and having babies and trauma happened.
As for my nephew, he is the same age as my son. He hasn't always been on medication. He has always had trouble gaining weight. His father AND mother both were pretty skinny when they got married and all growing up, so, again, genetics. I'd like to know why, when our son was about 6 and I started noticing the signs of ADHD, he didn't express concern about him gaining weight. Why didn't he say anything then? My guess is he didn't want to admit that he could possibly have ADHD, and now he has chosen to use my brother and nephew as an excuse. Maybe I also should have pointed out that at least one nephew on his side of the family also has taken ADHD medication and has had no trouble gaining weight.
What's my point with all of this? I should have listened to my "gut" all those years. I had so little confidence in myself and what kind of mother I was that I listened to my husband. I wanted to "respect" his wishes, so I never had it done. Now, our entire family is facing the consequences of me not listening to my "gut."
Could this situation have occurred anyway? Absolutely. Do I really think it could have been avoided? Yes and no. When my son entered high school, I noticed that he seemed to struggle more and more every day with staying on task. It didn't help that each student was given a laptop computer for doing their school work. Over the last few months, I've noticed that his impulsiveness has gotten worse.
He was having a harder and harder time walking by a computer or cell phone without touching it. He was having a harder and harder time not playing with things that shouldn't be played with. A couple of weeks ago, before all of this crap happened, I found him out in the garage trying to put my husband's air soft gun together because he "wanted to see how the scope went on." Right before school ended, he outright lied to me about writing an essay. He never had any intention of even starting the essay. He always intended to just play video games, and maybe look at pornography.
Today, because I didn't listen to myself and I didn't believe in myself, my heart breaks. I've had to make some tough decisions that no parent should ever have to make. I've had to tell the story to many different people and feel my heart break over and over again.
It's not over yet. In fact, it's going to be a very long road before this is over. It may never be over. My family will forever be affected by this. My hope is that we will come out of this stronger than ever. My hope is that my son will have the help that he so desperately needs that I couldn't give to him. My hope is that my husband realizes the extent of the damage that his choices have affected our lives.
Sisters, if you are struggling with something that your gut is telling you, but your addict husband is telling you not to listen to it, take heed. There will be consequences to your choices, whether you follow your gut or not. Your "gut" is probably God telling you that something isn't right. It's probably God telling you that someone needs your help. It's probably God telling you, "You are worth my time and effort. You know this needs to happen. Now, go and do it. I will prepare the way for you. I know you. I know what you need."
Christ loves you. He cares. He will help you make the hard choices. He will stand by your side through it all and may even carry you through some of it.
Why did I believe this? Because, over the years, I would mention a specific behavior, or self-control or focus issue that my son had, and my husband would say, "He doesn't have ADHD, I was just like that at his age," or, "He's just like other boys. I know because I had those same behaviors when I was that age." What was I supposed to conclude after years of these comments? He would also say things like, "I don't want him labeled and medicated." I tried to convince him that there were alternatives, but he didn't seem to believe me. With these statements, what would you believe about his reasoning?
A couple of weeks ago in counseling, this topic came up. I stated my conclusion and my husband said I was wrong. He said he never wanted our son on medication because I have a brother that is on ADHD medication and he is super skinny. I also have a nephew on ADHD medication that has struggled to gain weight. After 10 years of him telling me not to get him evaluated or diagnosed and this is what he finally says is his reason. At the moment, I was so stunned because why hadn't he said that all these years? The addict mind doesn't make a lot of sense anyway, so I suppose I shouldn't expect much logic in this.
If I'd been able to gather my thoughts, I would have mentioned the fact that BOTH of my parents were super skinny when they got married. My mom didn't gain much weight (other than pregnancies) until after we got into a car accident that shattered her foot. My dad continued to be super skinny (I remember him being skinny) until a few years after his thyroid had been removed. Neither of them had ever been on ADHD medication, so my little brother being super skinny may have been affected by the medication, but he also had parents who had been skinny. Also, I was pretty slender until I started getting pregnant and having babies and trauma happened.
As for my nephew, he is the same age as my son. He hasn't always been on medication. He has always had trouble gaining weight. His father AND mother both were pretty skinny when they got married and all growing up, so, again, genetics. I'd like to know why, when our son was about 6 and I started noticing the signs of ADHD, he didn't express concern about him gaining weight. Why didn't he say anything then? My guess is he didn't want to admit that he could possibly have ADHD, and now he has chosen to use my brother and nephew as an excuse. Maybe I also should have pointed out that at least one nephew on his side of the family also has taken ADHD medication and has had no trouble gaining weight.
What's my point with all of this? I should have listened to my "gut" all those years. I had so little confidence in myself and what kind of mother I was that I listened to my husband. I wanted to "respect" his wishes, so I never had it done. Now, our entire family is facing the consequences of me not listening to my "gut."
Could this situation have occurred anyway? Absolutely. Do I really think it could have been avoided? Yes and no. When my son entered high school, I noticed that he seemed to struggle more and more every day with staying on task. It didn't help that each student was given a laptop computer for doing their school work. Over the last few months, I've noticed that his impulsiveness has gotten worse.
He was having a harder and harder time walking by a computer or cell phone without touching it. He was having a harder and harder time not playing with things that shouldn't be played with. A couple of weeks ago, before all of this crap happened, I found him out in the garage trying to put my husband's air soft gun together because he "wanted to see how the scope went on." Right before school ended, he outright lied to me about writing an essay. He never had any intention of even starting the essay. He always intended to just play video games, and maybe look at pornography.
Today, because I didn't listen to myself and I didn't believe in myself, my heart breaks. I've had to make some tough decisions that no parent should ever have to make. I've had to tell the story to many different people and feel my heart break over and over again.
It's not over yet. In fact, it's going to be a very long road before this is over. It may never be over. My family will forever be affected by this. My hope is that we will come out of this stronger than ever. My hope is that my son will have the help that he so desperately needs that I couldn't give to him. My hope is that my husband realizes the extent of the damage that his choices have affected our lives.
Sisters, if you are struggling with something that your gut is telling you, but your addict husband is telling you not to listen to it, take heed. There will be consequences to your choices, whether you follow your gut or not. Your "gut" is probably God telling you that something isn't right. It's probably God telling you that someone needs your help. It's probably God telling you, "You are worth my time and effort. You know this needs to happen. Now, go and do it. I will prepare the way for you. I know you. I know what you need."
Christ loves you. He cares. He will help you make the hard choices. He will stand by your side through it all and may even carry you through some of it.
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