Consequences
Consequences. This has been on my mind a lot recently. A couple of weeks ago, something happened and I realized that I was sick and tired of having to deal with the consequences of my husband's actions and inaction. By inaction, I mean things that he was supposed to do or said he was going to do, but he didn't follow through and complete them. These things have cost me a lot of time, usually wasted, and our family money.
With my husband's addiction, he has faced little to no consequences for his actions. Mostly, he's gotten things like, "Read your scriptures more, say your prayers more, go to the temple more." Here's the big issue with being told this: Those are not consequences, and HE WAS ALREADY DOING THOSE THINGS!!! Yet, he couldn't seem to stop acting out.
When I started setting boundaries, some things started to change. Boundaries come with consequences. He started improving in some areas. In his follow through, though, nothing changed. He wanted to take over some of my responsibilities because I had so much going on. I let him. It has been so difficult to sit back and let him "take care of it." It hasn't been taken care of. He's had to do it over and over and over again, and, finally, I stepped in, asked the right questions, and pretty much prepped everything so that he could get it completed.
I was so frustrated because I had told him a certain thing needed to be done, but he hadn't done it. He wasn't sure what he needed, but he didn't ask the people that needed to be asked. I did it for him. Why did I do it? Because I was so tired of having to, literally, pay for his lack of action.
This drove me to the edge. I was done. I felt so cheated. I did my best to take care of my family for so many years, and I simply asked him to do a few things. Mostly, he didn't do those few things and we ended up paying for it, literally paying for it, with cash, usually that we didn't have. Two weeks ago we had a counseling session. I told the counselor that I was done. I was so tired of everything and, to top it off, I'd wasted my time, again, because he hadn't followed through. This time, one of my kids had to deal with the consequences too.
I believe that, sometimes, we go through experiences so that we are prepared for the next or a future experience. This time, I believe it was to "prepare" me for the very next experience. One week ago today, at 11:15 p.m., my life shattered again. This time, it wasn't my husband who had done something, it was my oldest son. I love my children and they are all unique in their own special ways. It is really difficult to have to make hard choices that will hurt them, but help them in the long run.
As I lay on my bed thinking about the situation, I wondered what I should do. I considered where I was and where my husband was and I came to a decision. Before I finalized that decision, I consulted a trusted friend. She assured me that I was making the right decision and that it would be hard, but it would be the best path for everyone involved.
It was with heavy heart that I informed my husband and my son of what needed to happen. I even told my son that his father is a good example of what happens when there are little to no consequences for your actions. My son had made a choice. He was old enough to know better. He knew what he was doing was wrong. I gave him my reasons for making the choice that I did and he seems to have accepted it.
So why are consequences important? Because, without them, people will continue to do what they are doing even if it negatively affects those around them and themselves. They will continue to hurt those they profess to love. Without consequences, you end up worried about whether your marriage is going to stay intact or how long your wife is going to stick around.
Without consequences, families are destroyed.
Without consequences, lives are destroyed.
Without consequences, society will be destroyed.
Parents, if you are worried about giving your child consequences, please consider what could happen if you don't. Please consider what could happen to those they love. Please consider the consequences of not receiving any consequences.
Consequences are meant to teach, not to destroy. Consequences are meant to protect, not to attack. Consequences are natural. Consequences happen whether we want them to or not.
Even God lets consequences occur. When we choose to do wrong, we distance ourselves from Him. When we choose to do wrong, we hurt those we love, we hurt God, and we hurt ourselves.
With my husband's addiction, he has faced little to no consequences for his actions. Mostly, he's gotten things like, "Read your scriptures more, say your prayers more, go to the temple more." Here's the big issue with being told this: Those are not consequences, and HE WAS ALREADY DOING THOSE THINGS!!! Yet, he couldn't seem to stop acting out.
When I started setting boundaries, some things started to change. Boundaries come with consequences. He started improving in some areas. In his follow through, though, nothing changed. He wanted to take over some of my responsibilities because I had so much going on. I let him. It has been so difficult to sit back and let him "take care of it." It hasn't been taken care of. He's had to do it over and over and over again, and, finally, I stepped in, asked the right questions, and pretty much prepped everything so that he could get it completed.
I was so frustrated because I had told him a certain thing needed to be done, but he hadn't done it. He wasn't sure what he needed, but he didn't ask the people that needed to be asked. I did it for him. Why did I do it? Because I was so tired of having to, literally, pay for his lack of action.
This drove me to the edge. I was done. I felt so cheated. I did my best to take care of my family for so many years, and I simply asked him to do a few things. Mostly, he didn't do those few things and we ended up paying for it, literally paying for it, with cash, usually that we didn't have. Two weeks ago we had a counseling session. I told the counselor that I was done. I was so tired of everything and, to top it off, I'd wasted my time, again, because he hadn't followed through. This time, one of my kids had to deal with the consequences too.
I believe that, sometimes, we go through experiences so that we are prepared for the next or a future experience. This time, I believe it was to "prepare" me for the very next experience. One week ago today, at 11:15 p.m., my life shattered again. This time, it wasn't my husband who had done something, it was my oldest son. I love my children and they are all unique in their own special ways. It is really difficult to have to make hard choices that will hurt them, but help them in the long run.
As I lay on my bed thinking about the situation, I wondered what I should do. I considered where I was and where my husband was and I came to a decision. Before I finalized that decision, I consulted a trusted friend. She assured me that I was making the right decision and that it would be hard, but it would be the best path for everyone involved.
It was with heavy heart that I informed my husband and my son of what needed to happen. I even told my son that his father is a good example of what happens when there are little to no consequences for your actions. My son had made a choice. He was old enough to know better. He knew what he was doing was wrong. I gave him my reasons for making the choice that I did and he seems to have accepted it.
So why are consequences important? Because, without them, people will continue to do what they are doing even if it negatively affects those around them and themselves. They will continue to hurt those they profess to love. Without consequences, you end up worried about whether your marriage is going to stay intact or how long your wife is going to stick around.
Without consequences, families are destroyed.
Without consequences, lives are destroyed.
Without consequences, society will be destroyed.
Parents, if you are worried about giving your child consequences, please consider what could happen if you don't. Please consider what could happen to those they love. Please consider the consequences of not receiving any consequences.
Consequences are meant to teach, not to destroy. Consequences are meant to protect, not to attack. Consequences are natural. Consequences happen whether we want them to or not.
Even God lets consequences occur. When we choose to do wrong, we distance ourselves from Him. When we choose to do wrong, we hurt those we love, we hurt God, and we hurt ourselves.
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