Anger Management
Okay, I know this is an odd day for me to post, but this has been on my mind for a couple of weeks and I haven't sat down to get it out until today. Today, I am struggling to focus on getting things done that need to be done. Yesterday, I got so much accomplished. Today, not so much, so I thought I'd start with getting this out of my head.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but a bishop once said that "All wives of porn addicts have anger issues." When I first heard that, I was livid (ironic, I know), but now that I think about it, I don't think it's anger issues, as much as we legitimately have the right to be angry.
Who wouldn't be?
For me, the man I thought I married wasn't the man that I married.
The man who sat across the altar from me and made covenants with God, in front me and a whole bunch of witnesses, didn't keep those covenants. In fact, he pretty much broke every single one of them.
The man I thought loved me unconditionally, had conditions after all.
The man who was always telling me how beautiful I was, was fantasizing about other women.
The man who was always telling me what a great wife I was, wished I was someone else.
The man who said he wanted me to be happy, only meant that I should be happy as long as he benefited from that happiness.
The man who was always sending me off on my own when I'd had a rough day because "he was a good husband," and wanted me to "have time alone," really wanted to not have to deal with me having any kind of emotions.
The man who I thought was so spiritual, for years ignored the promptings to leave his job situation and find a different one.
The man who said the kids and I were so important to him really placed us last on his list of priorities. Right there after his parents, his siblings, their families, the job, church callings, etc.
Was I angry?
Hell, yeah!
Like I said, who wouldn't be angry?
I had every right to be angry.
My entire world was flipped upside down and inside out.
What I thought was real, wasn't real at all. Nothing was as it seemed.
There I was thinking I wasn't enough for him. I wasn't enough for anybody.
In reality, I would never be enough for him, because he was living in a fantasy world. Fantasy me didn't exist and never would.
I never hid the real me. When we were dating, even before we were engaged, I let him see me for who I was.
I let him see me at my best and at my worst.
I let him see me get mad at my siblings.
I let him see me on the worst days of my period when my clothes didn't match and I didn't want to even wash my face or brush my teeth. (Shucks, I only got out of bed because I had classes.)
I let him see me heartbroken.
I let him see me filled with joy and all the in-betweens.
He hid who he was.
He lied about who he was.
Sometimes, I'm still angry about it all. I still don't know what my reality was. We're still working on that disclosure. I need to know. I'm a realist, to an extent.
I still struggle with the anger. It creeps its way back up every once in a while and tries to nudge its way back into my life.
Going back to the statement about wives of porn addicts having anger issues...
Of course we do!
There's no need to hide it or be ashamed of it.
We have every right to be angry. We were dealt with unjustly. We were lied to. We were deceived.
Now... what do we do with that anger...
I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but a bishop once said that "All wives of porn addicts have anger issues." When I first heard that, I was livid (ironic, I know), but now that I think about it, I don't think it's anger issues, as much as we legitimately have the right to be angry.
Who wouldn't be?
For me, the man I thought I married wasn't the man that I married.
The man who sat across the altar from me and made covenants with God, in front me and a whole bunch of witnesses, didn't keep those covenants. In fact, he pretty much broke every single one of them.
The man I thought loved me unconditionally, had conditions after all.
The man who was always telling me how beautiful I was, was fantasizing about other women.
The man who was always telling me what a great wife I was, wished I was someone else.
The man who said he wanted me to be happy, only meant that I should be happy as long as he benefited from that happiness.
The man who was always sending me off on my own when I'd had a rough day because "he was a good husband," and wanted me to "have time alone," really wanted to not have to deal with me having any kind of emotions.
The man who I thought was so spiritual, for years ignored the promptings to leave his job situation and find a different one.
The man who said the kids and I were so important to him really placed us last on his list of priorities. Right there after his parents, his siblings, their families, the job, church callings, etc.
Was I angry?
Hell, yeah!
Like I said, who wouldn't be angry?
I had every right to be angry.
My entire world was flipped upside down and inside out.
What I thought was real, wasn't real at all. Nothing was as it seemed.
There I was thinking I wasn't enough for him. I wasn't enough for anybody.
In reality, I would never be enough for him, because he was living in a fantasy world. Fantasy me didn't exist and never would.
I never hid the real me. When we were dating, even before we were engaged, I let him see me for who I was.
I let him see me at my best and at my worst.
I let him see me get mad at my siblings.
I let him see me on the worst days of my period when my clothes didn't match and I didn't want to even wash my face or brush my teeth. (Shucks, I only got out of bed because I had classes.)
I let him see me heartbroken.
I let him see me filled with joy and all the in-betweens.
He hid who he was.
He lied about who he was.
Sometimes, I'm still angry about it all. I still don't know what my reality was. We're still working on that disclosure. I need to know. I'm a realist, to an extent.
I still struggle with the anger. It creeps its way back up every once in a while and tries to nudge its way back into my life.
Going back to the statement about wives of porn addicts having anger issues...
Of course we do!
There's no need to hide it or be ashamed of it.
We have every right to be angry. We were dealt with unjustly. We were lied to. We were deceived.
Now... what do we do with that anger...
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