Perfectionism

Nobody's perfect. That's what they say. I get it. I can't be perfect, but that doesn't mean I can't try. In fact, we should all be striving to become perfect, "even as our Father in Heaven is perfect."

Of course, some of us *ahem* might take this a little too far and become what one may call a "Perfectionist." I admit. In some instances, I am one of those. I am a perfectionist. Well, like I said, in some instances anyway.

I was having a conversation with my teenage son the other day. We were talking about how difficult it was for me to turn in a group project, for school, that was full of grammatical and spelling errors. I only did it because I wanted to give my group members a chance to take be accountable for their own work.

My son made the observation that I couldn't write poorly if I tried. I contemplated that for a bit and came to the conclusion that he was right. I take too much pride in the work I produce. I don't think I could produce work that was less than my best.

Sometimes, after I publish a post, I have regretful thoughts, like, "That wasn't a very good post," or "I hope that all makes sense," or "Maybe I should rewrite that one."

My husband laughs at me sometimes. During school, if I had a paper to write and I was super-stressed about it, I always felt like the writing wasn't very good. I was never sure if my message was clear. I was always surprised to get an "A" on those papers.

That's why he laughs at me, because even my "worst" is good enough to get an A.

Unfortunately, this perfectionism has affected me in other ways.

For years, as I was, unknowingly, in trauma, depressed, and struggling so much my perfectionism took hold and dragged me down further.

You see, I work hard to do my best, but when I "know" I'm going to fail and not be "good enough" anyway, I don't even want to try.

I knew I was never going to be good enough for my husband because I wasn't full of energy after having a baby, I didn't have a sex drive anymore, I didn't enjoy sex like I used to, and the list goes on.

Because I was never going to be good enough and I knew it, I rarely tried. Sometimes, I would feel like I could actually accomplish a goal. I would do great for a little while, but then, I would have one day where I didn't do well, or I slacked off, or I completely failed. When that happened, I would just give up.

I know, I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense. Back then, I didn't know what I know now.

Now, I know that, of course, I was never going to be enough for my husband because he lived in a fantasy world. A world that only existed in choreographed videos, make-believe books and airbrushed photographs.

Now, I know that if I fail one day, it doesn't make me a failure, it just means I get to try again tomorrow.

Now, I know that if I don't get it perfect the first time, I can try it again.

Now, I know that I don't have to beat myself up for not getting things right the first time.

Some things I'm not a perfectionist at, and probably never will be? Keeping my house clean, keeping things organized, making the bed, and making sure my kids look perfect before they leave the house.

Being a perfectionist has helped me find and develop some of my talents, like my skills in editing (attention to detail they call it) and writing.

In a nutshell, perfectionism is a blessing and an obstacle. Embrace your perfectionism and find a way for it to help you.