When Judgement Tries To Ruin The Best Parts Of You
Recently, I was having a text conversation with a co-worker/friend/fellow writer. It's amazing how much clarity comes to me just by talking to someone else.
I'd asked her about a writing job she was going to be doing and she said she was going to be meeting with them that weekend. The conversation went like this:
Me: Ooh! Good luck! Are you nervous? I know I'd be terrified! (Side note: I like to use a lot of exclamation points when I'm not doing professional writing.)
Her: No, not really. Once I learn what they are looking for, I think it'll be fine.
Me: I applied for a job as an editor for an educational place last fall. They never even looked at me, I guess, but I had to get a letter of recommendation. I got one from my [college] writing instructor. I almost cried when I read it. I think I might frame it. (Really, it's extremely complimentary and I really did almost cry. I was so touched that she thought so highly of me and my work.)
I get nervous every time I start an article. Halfway through, I feel really good about it. Then, by the end, I'm worried it sucks! 😂😂😂(I did use emojis. They're fun and expressive!)
Her: Oh, yes, I do that too. I've learned to just commit to what I'm writing. I've also learned it totally helps when I'm writing something I know and really believe in.
Me: That does help! Once I get going, I'm good.
Her: Yes, you are great!
Me: What's really funny is that once I send the email with the link to you and [other girl I work with because they both do additional stuff to the posts I've been working on]... that's when I worry!
Her: What! Why?
Me: But then, I don't have any problems sharing my articles on my support group thread.
Her: Seriously, your stuff is so good.
Me: [The "I have no idea" emoji was used here but Blogger doesn't seem to have that one.]
Her: A really, really great mentor once told me when they write they don't always feel the need to read the negative comments. Instead focus on the things that are constructive.
This is where the insight comes...
Me: That's what is so weird. I think the only time I've ever gotten negative comments on my writing was in a college creative writing class (at the local community college), and it wasn't the actual writing that they had an issue with. It was the genre, but they weren't even my target audience! (Not even remotely my target audience.) My target audience loved it!
Her: Yup! Exactly! Harness that confidence that you know your audience.
Here it comes...
Suspenseful music, please...
After that "conversation," I thought long and hard about it. I couldn't remember a single time in my life when I'd received a negative comment about my writing.
Maybe I'd blocked it out, or it never happened, or it was so long ago--like elementary school--that there's no way I'd remember.
I was reading before kindergarten, which I started at the age of four. (The cutoff date where I started was the end of the month I was born in, which is at the very end of the year.)
By third grade, I was in the advanced reading group and, pretty much, acing every spelling test.
By sixth grade, I was reading at a twelfth grade reading level and still, pretty much, acing every spelling test (usually without studying--but don't tell my kids that--oh, crap! I've already told them about not studying).
I vaguely remember any teachers before eighth and ninth grade, mostly because we moved around so much, but even then, I only had one teacher all day long until seventh.
Seventh grade, I mostly remember the books we read in English class, but I don't remember anything that I wrote.
I don't know that I've always loved writing, but I loved reading and words were my thing. My husband likes to joke that he married me because I'm an excellent speller (he was super impressed that I could spell words backwards that others couldn't even spell forwards for the game Cranium).
Words have just always been my thing. I don't even really think in pictures.
Unless I've seen it before or have a picture in front of me, I can't imagine it until my brain goes through this process of seeing the words that describe the scene, then I can see what it looks like.
This is probably why I love authors that can really "paint a picture" of what's happening in the book.
It's also the reason why I had a difficult time with EMDR the first couple of times I tried it (I haven't really tried it since but I also haven't been back to counseling for a few months). I could never really see much. I just had thoughts running through my head.
When I had to put those things in a box, it was right about the time we were moving, so all I could picture were moving boxes in the desert (because we moved out to the desert).
I have since had a discussion with my counselor about this and we realized that it was the words she was using... because words are powerful. I wanted to do whatever the counselor told me would help, but my brain wasn't cooperating because it doesn't "see" things like most people do.
Writing is naturally a part of me. It's ingrained in me. It's like my lifeblood.
I think part of why I suffered for so long is because I couldn't write.
I also couldn't write because I was suffering. It's a vicious cycle.
Since I've been writing, I feel different.
I feel better.
I feel more like myself.
But feeling myself still means feeling judged sometimes.
It's not as often as it used to be, but it still happens.
I've noticed it's happening less and less, so that's good. The writing job I have right now, whether it's going to be a long-term thing or not, has been very therapeutic for me.
Writing for school was okay, and it was helpful because I was able to use that part of me again, but writing about something I love and believe in, that brings me joy.
That brings me back to me.
It sucks that judgement still seeps in, but I'm working on it.
Writing is one of the best parts of me and I'm not going to let judgement ruin it.
I'd asked her about a writing job she was going to be doing and she said she was going to be meeting with them that weekend. The conversation went like this:
Me: Ooh! Good luck! Are you nervous? I know I'd be terrified! (Side note: I like to use a lot of exclamation points when I'm not doing professional writing.)
Her: No, not really. Once I learn what they are looking for, I think it'll be fine.
Me: I applied for a job as an editor for an educational place last fall. They never even looked at me, I guess, but I had to get a letter of recommendation. I got one from my [college] writing instructor. I almost cried when I read it. I think I might frame it. (Really, it's extremely complimentary and I really did almost cry. I was so touched that she thought so highly of me and my work.)
I get nervous every time I start an article. Halfway through, I feel really good about it. Then, by the end, I'm worried it sucks! 😂😂😂(I did use emojis. They're fun and expressive!)
Her: Oh, yes, I do that too. I've learned to just commit to what I'm writing. I've also learned it totally helps when I'm writing something I know and really believe in.
Me: That does help! Once I get going, I'm good.
Her: Yes, you are great!
Me: What's really funny is that once I send the email with the link to you and [other girl I work with because they both do additional stuff to the posts I've been working on]... that's when I worry!
Her: What! Why?
Me: But then, I don't have any problems sharing my articles on my support group thread.
Her: Seriously, your stuff is so good.
Me: [The "I have no idea" emoji was used here but Blogger doesn't seem to have that one.]
Her: A really, really great mentor once told me when they write they don't always feel the need to read the negative comments. Instead focus on the things that are constructive.
This is where the insight comes...
Me: That's what is so weird. I think the only time I've ever gotten negative comments on my writing was in a college creative writing class (at the local community college), and it wasn't the actual writing that they had an issue with. It was the genre, but they weren't even my target audience! (Not even remotely my target audience.) My target audience loved it!
Her: Yup! Exactly! Harness that confidence that you know your audience.
Here it comes...
Suspenseful music, please...
Me: I think it's feeling judged in other parts of my life that leaks into the writing part.
Remember my previous post on Perfectionism? I'd never thought of that wavering confidence in my writing as being judgment leaking in from other parts of my life.After that "conversation," I thought long and hard about it. I couldn't remember a single time in my life when I'd received a negative comment about my writing.
Maybe I'd blocked it out, or it never happened, or it was so long ago--like elementary school--that there's no way I'd remember.
I was reading before kindergarten, which I started at the age of four. (The cutoff date where I started was the end of the month I was born in, which is at the very end of the year.)
By third grade, I was in the advanced reading group and, pretty much, acing every spelling test.
By sixth grade, I was reading at a twelfth grade reading level and still, pretty much, acing every spelling test (usually without studying--but don't tell my kids that--oh, crap! I've already told them about not studying).
I vaguely remember any teachers before eighth and ninth grade, mostly because we moved around so much, but even then, I only had one teacher all day long until seventh.
Seventh grade, I mostly remember the books we read in English class, but I don't remember anything that I wrote.
I don't know that I've always loved writing, but I loved reading and words were my thing. My husband likes to joke that he married me because I'm an excellent speller (he was super impressed that I could spell words backwards that others couldn't even spell forwards for the game Cranium).
Words have just always been my thing. I don't even really think in pictures.
Unless I've seen it before or have a picture in front of me, I can't imagine it until my brain goes through this process of seeing the words that describe the scene, then I can see what it looks like.
This is probably why I love authors that can really "paint a picture" of what's happening in the book.
It's also the reason why I had a difficult time with EMDR the first couple of times I tried it (I haven't really tried it since but I also haven't been back to counseling for a few months). I could never really see much. I just had thoughts running through my head.
When I had to put those things in a box, it was right about the time we were moving, so all I could picture were moving boxes in the desert (because we moved out to the desert).
I have since had a discussion with my counselor about this and we realized that it was the words she was using... because words are powerful. I wanted to do whatever the counselor told me would help, but my brain wasn't cooperating because it doesn't "see" things like most people do.
Writing is naturally a part of me. It's ingrained in me. It's like my lifeblood.
I think part of why I suffered for so long is because I couldn't write.
I also couldn't write because I was suffering. It's a vicious cycle.
Since I've been writing, I feel different.
I feel better.
I feel more like myself.
But feeling myself still means feeling judged sometimes.
It's not as often as it used to be, but it still happens.
I've noticed it's happening less and less, so that's good. The writing job I have right now, whether it's going to be a long-term thing or not, has been very therapeutic for me.
Writing for school was okay, and it was helpful because I was able to use that part of me again, but writing about something I love and believe in, that brings me joy.
That brings me back to me.
It sucks that judgement still seeps in, but I'm working on it.
Writing is one of the best parts of me and I'm not going to let judgement ruin it.
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