Outer Strength Inner Hopelessness

So often I hear people comment about how strong I am. My own sisters have told me how they admire how I can hold it together through everything I've gone through and am going through.

Sometimes, I feel that strength. Sometimes, I can hold it together.

Then, I crumble.

Like the last cookie in the bag, I break in tiny little pieces.

I lose faith. I don't have the strength to keep going. I don't have the desire to keep going.

I want to give up.

I want to be done.

Can I just be through with this trial already?

Through the tears, I ask God why.

I ask Him how much longer I need to hang on through this.

I don't know the answer.

It rarely comes in that instant.

Sometimes, I don't think the answer comes at all.

So I get back up.

I brush myself off. I wipe away the tears and put myself back together again. I gather my courage and go on.

The most difficult part of all of it? Not knowing when the hopelessness will strike again.

How long until I lose my faith again?

I have faith. I've always had it. I have a solid foundation.

With all that I've been through, it's the only thing that's kept me going. It's the only thing that's given me the strength to move forward.

Sometimes, life comes by and gives that foundation a solid kick that shakes me up. I still have faith. I still have that solid foundation, it's just slightly jostled until it settles back down again.

Right now, parts of me might be glued together, but you can't tell because my faith makes me whole.

Recently, I was given an assignment because I "seem to be on top of things." I'm not sure what was meant by that. Maybe it's because I get my work done and I do a good job. Maybe it's because I know what I'm talking about.

Just know that next time you see me, or someone else, that "seems to be on top of things" or that "has it all together," they're probably crumbling inside, so please be kind. Be gentle with them. Let them crumble, then help them pick up the pieces again.

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