Labels: What's in a Name?

Labels. There's such a stigma attached to labels. At the same time, we all want answers. Having a label isn't such a bad thing when it comes to diseases. Labels don't define us, but they can give us direction.

What is in a name?

Let's start by looking at food. When you go to the grocery store, there are labels everywhere. A lot of people read the label before they buy a food. Other people just see the label and choose that one or they another one. Why?

To the consumer, the name on the label plays a role in their decisions. I, for one, can't stand any cream of chicken soup that isn't the Campbell's brand. It has something to do with the smell. 

Cheese, on the other hand, store brand works just fine. To me, all the cheeses taste the same, no matter who makes it. I'll usually buy the cheapest brand of cheese because we're on a budget.

Milk: Store brand

Cereal: General Mills, Kellogg's, or Post (I do not like the Malt-O-Meal brand, it gets mushy in the milk too quickly)

Eggs: Store brand

Sausage: Farmer John and, sometimes, Jimmy Dean

We all have certain brands that we favor for certain foods. Again, why is that? For me, it's what the name stands for.

Another example, our own names. When I got married, I legally changed my last name to my husband's last name. A lot of people do that. I had always planned on doing that. 

Why did I do that? 

I did it because it was tradition, and I'm somewhat traditional. I also did it because I wanted to be associated with my husband by name. I also didn't want to cause confusion for my children

Another example of a name being a label is our surname. For my kids, my husband and I put a lot of thought into our children's names. We had a lot of discussions surrounding their names. One of my children is named after grandparents, several others have family names, and one even has a foreign middle name because it has special meaning. 

What's the point of all this, you ask. 

In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, Juliet says, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet." Of course, she is referring to the feud between the Montagues and the Capulets (her and Romeo's families). This line is what comes to mind when the discussion of labels comes up. 

Addict

This label was inadvertently given to my husband by a bishop. When my husband talked to this bishop about his pornography "problem," the bishop told him he should attend our church's Addiction Recovery Program for pornography addicts.

Addiction?!? This was the first time he'd heard that from anyone. When we thought of addiction, we thought of drugs, tobacco, and alcohol. We had never associated pornography as an addiction. 

Of course, I was completely oblivious anyway because my husband had always disclosed as though he had only acted out once or twice. (Minimize much?)

The one big thing that this inadvertent label had provided for my husband, though, was hope. People recover from addictions every day. People get sober every day.

Abuse

This label has actually helped both of us. For years, I didn't know or understand what was happening to me or to my marriage. If you had asked me even two years ago if I was in an abusive relationship, I would have adamantly told you, "No way!"

To me, abuse was physical violence, financial restrictions, and rape. Now I know better. 

My husband was not physically violent, in fact, he never "got angry." He is a whole foot taller but I've spent my life surrounded by tall people, so he was never really physically intimidating to me, especially since he "never got angry." 

However, my husband did rape me in my sleep, grope me in my sleep, and grope me when I was awake so that he could stimulate me enough for me to be aroused. He also bought books on how to improve our sex life. He researched techniques to make me orgasm (I haven't had one since we started having kids early in the marriage). 

Everything that was wrong with our sex life was because of me. Because I had gained weight, because I'd had babies, because I didn't do this, because I didn't do that. 

He would also make sure I knew about anything he did around the house or to "help" me out. He expected to be rewarded with sex. If he didn't get it, he would be cranky for days and take it out on the kids. 

If I got upset about something someone did or said, he would tell me, "Well, they didn't mean it that way," or, "You shouldn't feel that way about that." He would also completely withdraw anytime I had any kind of "negative" emotion. 

With the kids, he would call them names or tell them what they did was stupid, or call them out right in front of other people. He would push them a little too hard, or aggressively force or coerce them to do whatever it was he wanted them to do. He was especially hard on our oldest son. 

If you asked me today if I was in an abusive relationship, I would answer with a resounding "Yes!"

You see, I have since learned about the abusive behaviors. It isn't just the physical beating of someone, it's more than that. The more I learn about it, the more I understand what went on. The easier it is for me to heal from it and set boundaries around those behaviors. 

For my husband, learning about abuse has been an eye-opener for him. He's working on changing the way he treats the children and me. For him, admitting that he was abusive helps him to see what he needs to change. 

A lot of people say that we shouldn't call pornography and sex addicts abusers because it's "shaming." 

I ask: "What should we call it?" 

Calling it addict behavior is a start, but that isn't exactly what it is, is it? My husband actually got more abusive when he started getting sober. He yelled at me twice within a six-month period. Both times, it was stupid. 

Once because he was projecting, and the other time because he had withheld information from me that could've prepared me for a trigger. Instead, he walked me right into a situation that he already knew would be a trigger and expected me to not be, all while he'd had this information for a couple of weeks. 

It's been a while since he's done anything like that. He has gotten a lot better about giving me information that I need to be prepared for situations and feel safe. 

Victim

So many people dislike this label, and I can see why. However, some say, we shouldn't call them victims because that could keep them in victim-mode. Others say, when referring to wives of addicts, that it harms "true victims." Others, unfortunately, believe we should be completely unaffected by our husband's abuse and pornography use, so there's no way we can be victims. 

What are we then? Our husbands have lied to us. They've manipulated our reality into what they wanted us to see. In many cases, they've sexually abused us. They've treated us like objects to satisfy their lust or a tool to achieve a goal. 

Among other things, many men have had sex with prostitutes and other women, then went home and had unprotected sex with their wives. In the process, they gave their wife an STI. How is this not abusive? How is his wife not a victim?

Definition of victim: "A person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action; a person who is tricked or duped."


How can we label someone who has been conned by a scam artist as a victim, but not label someone who has been conned by their own husband, who is also a scam artist, as a victim? 

How can we label a woman who was raped by a stranger a victim, but not label a woman who was raped by her own husband as a victim? 

Some may say that labeling someone as a victim does not empower them. I say the contrary is true. Once we can recognize what something is, we can do something about it.

Just the other day, I had the opportunity to attend a small conference. One of the speakers said something about being a victim. She said she doesn't consider herself a victim, but she did have to recognize herself as a victim so she could start healing.

To me, it's like receiving a diagnosis.

For years, I suffered with these symptoms that I never put together as being part of one issue. I was looked down upon because I never had energy, I was often depressed, my house was always messy, and my kids weren't very well taken care of. I just wasn't me.

Then, I received a diagnosis. I had a hyperactive thyroid. Once I received this diagnosis, however, a lot of the disapproval dissipated. There was still some there, but, all of a sudden, these same people could have a tiny bit of compassion for me???

We sometimes judge people by their behavior, and then we find out they have this diagnosis, then we say, "Oh, well that explains that behavior." (Obviously, we shouldn't be judging like that, but don't we all do it anyway?)

Now, I have even more information. I was in trauma. I didn't know I was in trauma, but I was. I was frozen. My body was stuck in a trauma response and I had no clue.

If we looked at wives of addicts as victims of trauma and abuse, it changes how they are treated.

To be a victim, it doesn't have to be a physical event that takes place, it can be a psychological or emotional event.

Survivor

This is a powerful word. It has a lot of strength in it.

Definition of survivor: "A person who copes well with difficulties in their life."

Just by this definition, a person has to have some difficulties to be a survivor. They have to be a victim of something. It could be a trauma, it could be a carjacking, it could be a war, it could be abuse, it could be a house fire, it could be bullying., it could be an illness. Really, it could be anything. 

If we skip right to being a survivor, what have we survived? What difficulties have we had if we're strictly a survivor? Would you label someone who's never had any difficulties as a survivor?

Everyone has had difficulties in life. Those who haven't, are living in a bubble, or are so wrapped up in themselves (narcissistic) that they care nothing for others and are completely unaffected by the human experience. 

Shucks, all adults have survived childhood, which, at least for me, was not easy and was full of difficulties. In fact, we could all say that we are victims of our upbringing, of our parents' parenting skills! (Some parents probably did better than others, but that doesn't mean they were perfect.)

In all actuality, survivors wouldn't be survivors without first being a victim.

Of course, to be a survivor, you have to come through the difficulty. Some people are stuck in their difficulty, not always by their own choice. 

For me, labels help. It gives me perspective.